Letters to Callum
by HeartOfParadise
Summary: He was gone from her life but not from her mind, Sephy Hadley wrote frequent letters to her first true love Callum McGregor. From difficulties to moments of joy, her letters to Callum made him real and alive again. To Sephy, it's almost like having him by her side through thick and thin once more.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or settings from the Noughts and Crosses series by Malorie Blackman, although I sure wish I do :)**

* * *

Callum,

I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't even begin to cut it, but I have to say it anyway. I'm sorry for all this, for the injustice of the world, for all the obstacles that you had to face. But mostly I am sorry that I couldn't hold you one last time and show you how much I love you. Yes, _love_ in present tense. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop loving you, Callum. Not even when I'm old and gray, not even when moss covers my gravestone. Not even when I'm nothing but dust.

I still can't believe it, you know. Every footstep that I hear makes me turn around, looking for you. It's as if I expect you to pop around the corner, your grey eyes smiling as you take in my stunned face. But of course it doesn't happen. I still haven't gotten it through my stubborn heart that you won't be around anymore. Which is why I'm sitting here today, the sand coarse beneath my feet and the stormy ocean in front of me. Maybe, just maybe if I conjure up as many memories of you as I can, then you'll appear right in front of me, your head tilted slightly and your brown hair windswept. Did I ever tell you I love the way you look at me, as though I really am the centre of your universe?

Oh Callum, what happened to us? I thought our love made us untouchable, but how wrong I was. It happened like a whirlwind, these past months. I've rushed through everything, done so much and thought so quickly that I haven't really gotten a chance to really feel it all. And now, when you're no longer beside me, I finally get all the time I need to think over my decisions. I don't know anything anymore, Callum. I don't know whether what I did was right or wrong. I don't know if my choice is for the better or the worse. I only know that my heart is so battered, I don't think it'll ever be whole again. Don't laugh or call me a drama queen, Callum; I seriously feel as though you took a part of me when you left.

We're so young, Callum. We were, anyway. Only teenagers. We haven't even gotten a real juicy slice of life yet, and we're both already gone. I've grown a decade in the last months. I don't want to grow up anymore, Callum. I wish we could rewind the time and stay children forever. Then heaven would be just a block away, a walk down the beach or a picnic in Celebration Park. But I'm an old woman and a teenage girl stuck in a body responsible for more people than just myself now, and you're a whole world away. I think every day about you and our child, and I am so scared. The bump on my stomach is just visible now, and I have some time yet before I meet our baby, but six months is not long enough. I don't want our child to come into this world, Callum, just for the sheer reason that our world is a very cruel one. I don't want him or her to be as hurt as we've been hurt. Perhaps with both parents fighting, he or she would've made it through unscathed, but I'm alone. What if I can't do it, Callum? What if no matter what I do, someone will break our baby's heart as they broke ours? If only you're here, Callum.

I love you so much, you do know that right? I think you said you loved me too, in those very last seconds we had together, but the cynic inside me keeps telling me that it's just my wishful thinking. If only I can hear you say it again, your breath burning through my heart like it did that night. Oh Callum, that night was the best night in my life. It still is, and I know it will always be. You know, I thought that we would have so many more of those ahead. At least I had hoped so anyway. I can see you shaking your head at my naivety now, your grey eyes smiling sadly at little innocent me. I know that the world hasn't turned out to be the wonderful placed that we thought it was, but we had always found ways to work around it before. Who would've known it would turn out like this? And for the very first time the possibility of _them_ being right becomes very real. Maybe love is not enough to conquer this world after all. Because what did our love do to us but killed you and left me equally dead? Maybe they were right and we were wrong.

But we can't be wrong. I can feel the warmth of your love now, even though you've been gone for more than a week. It's as though you're looking over my shoulder, your arm wrapped tightly around mine, your heart beating the same rhythm as my aching one. Do you remember our first kiss, Callum? If I could go back in time, I would slap myself for being so stupid in pulling away. I would gladly have infinite cricks in my neck just to have your mouth on mine one more time.

I miss you so much Callum.

I love you so much Callum.

And I will for every breath that I'll take in my remaining years.

Only yours,

Sephy x


	2. Chapter 2

Callum,

I moved out today. Well, I was already out the moment they laid a finger on you, but today's the official disowning ceremony of Kamal Hadley's daughter. Dad wasn't even there, but his absence spoke volumes. Not that I care. Now I'm no longer that swine's daughter. Just Sephy. No last name.

My flat is a dingy little place, positioned in the middle of a semi-notorious district, but I'm trying so very hard to not complain. With the money I have in the bank right now, I could probably get a better place, but I know how long that'll last. Better take it a little harder and survive longer, than be stupid and splurge. But I'm so lonely Callum. I don't think I've ever been so completely removed from the world I know, not even when I was miles away at Chivers. I think if I'm completely honest, I have to admit that I'm a tiny bit homesick. Okay, I'm a lot homesick. I never realised how easy I had it, until I am stuck here writing to you under a naked light bulb. I never realised how hard you had it. Oh Callum...

I spent this afternoon thinking, Callum. About you, about us, about our baby. The little thing is moving like crazy inside me, you know, kicking and karate-chopping my innards like there's no tomorrow. I thought babies aren't meant to be this active yet, but then again my knowledge of children and pregnancy is pretty much non-existent. Must've been your genes; you were always the athletic one out of us. I wish you could be here with me now, Callum. Then I could show you our baby's foot when he or she kicks (although I have an inkling that it's a boy – no girl I know moves like that!). Then this horrible place would feel like heaven, because I'd have my complete family here. I'm becoming more and more like you, you know, with this whole romantic and sentimental thing. And to think I was the girl who thought that snogging was the grossest thing ever invented just a few years ago, when fifteen-year-old you kissed thirteen-year-old me down at our special haunt.

When our baby grows up, I'll make sure he knows all about our special place. I reckon even if I tell Baby a story about you every single day, I wouldn't run out of them until the next millennium comes. Minerva told me once that it's extremely weird how I know so much about you, but she just hasn't met love yet. Goodness knows she's sarcastic enough to drive away anyone within a ten kilometre radius of her. Ah, I am being snide and mean again. Why do I do that, Callum? Why isn't my relationship with my sister anything like the close bond you had with Lynette? I was always jealous of you for that one thing, you know. And so very jealous of how you have an amazing mother in Meggie, a woman with a heart big enough to even include me in it, even if that was a long time ago. Sometimes I wish I could trade my place as a Cross just to have a family like yours, and a home where I really belong. Instead I got the platinum spoon in my mouth and a house as empty as a pea husk. And a drunk mother to top it up. I'm not even going to mention my bastard of a father. You know, sometimes I understand why people hate so much. Pure hatred doesn't even begin to describe my feelings towards Dad. And my hatred towards him is a gazillion times less than the feeling I have for myself. I could've chosen differently, you know. I could've kept you alive, and yet I didn't. I wouldn't blame you if you hated me too.

It's scary, Callum, but sometimes I feel that the only thing substantial inside me is hatred and guilt. The exact same feelings that everyone else in this bitter world has, everyone but you and me. So what does that make me now, one of _them_? I don't want to be, Callum, I don't want to let hate take the place of love. But without you it's so hard to convince myself that love can exist, that it already does exist. Noughts and Crosses, blacks and whites, they've built fences high enough that the prospect of trying to climb over terrifies me. It was achievable when it was you and me against the world, but now that it's just me and our baby, I don't know anymore.

This is completely random, Callum, but did you ever realise that Noughts and Crosses placed beside each other are the exact same as hugs and kisses? The type people add at the end of a letter to someone they love, little xoxo's existing so... perfectly beside each other. If only other people see it like that, eh? Instead of the symbols of opposing teams, separated by a grid they set up themselves. I never understood that game, noughts and crosses. It's so pointless. What's the point of the grid, separating each nought and each cross, when together they make hugs and kisses? Then again, it's like questioning the point of our world, and there's no answer to be found there. We've both learned that the hard way.

It's freezing here, Callum. I think the heating system's broken, if there ever was one in the first place. I have on so many layers of clothes, but I'm still chilled to the bones. I wish I have something of yours, Callum, just a hoodie or a glove or even some socks will do. I never got to tell you, but those girls at Chivers always showed off their boyfriends' clothes in our dorms. Sometimes it's an oversized shirt, sometimes it's a pair of sunnies, but those girls wore it with such pride and love that I wanted to show them something of yours as well. At that point I was still mad at you for not coming after me, but to be completely honest that was what I wished. And right now I want something of yours so badly, just because I can never have you again.

I miss you so much Callum.

I love you so much Callum.

And I will for every breath that I'll take in my remaining years.

Only yours,

Sephy x


End file.
